Being Alone

I’m not very good at being alone. I mean, I do it all the time, but I’m not great at it.

At work, I usually have clients to talk to or I am involved in some kind of organizing project that takes up all my brain power and leaves me no time to be lonely. At home I fall into the deep arms of the internet. I can go out with friends when we are all available (IE never) and I can also hang out with my awesome family with whom my house is attached to (Guesthouse FTW!).

But in the car? I’m alone. I can listen to the radio. I can turn on a podcast. But there isn’t any human interaction. This used to be when I called and talked to my husband. You see, the last 6 months of our marriage, we lived in separate states (which did not lead to the divorce, but did make it logistically a lot easier) and so we would talk on the phone a lot. But, seeing as we were both busy people with a lot to do, the best time for us to do this was usually when we were driving. I would call him in the morning and usually we would both be on our way to our days (work for me, school for him) and then we also would sometimes get off around the same time. We would talk every Friday just as I was getting to the restaurant I worked at. We would talk when I was getting off work and he was going to bed. Anytime we ran errands on the weekend, we called when we were in the car to say hi and chat. Now, every time that I get in the car, I get an overwhelming urge to call him. Walking the dogs is also hard now – he was usually getting ready for bed when I took them out, so we would have a nice half hour chat.

This divorce has been hard for a plethora of reasons, but mostly because I miss having someone to talk to who completely understood what I was trying to say because they knew everything about my life. I didn’t have to spend time prefacing stories with an explanation of a personality of a client or a friend. I didn’t have to explain why things were funny or maddening. I just had someone who listened and was interested and liked hearing what I had to say on the other end of the phone. I miss that. A lot.

I am finding outlets. This blog. Calling friends. Having a really good inner monologue. But I don’t think I will ever take for granted the fact that having someone to listen to you about stupid things about your day and be able to understand and care is amazing. I hope to someday have that again, although I know I need to learn how to be alone first.

Which brings us back to the topic at hand – being alone.

I am hiking the Colorado Trail. It is 486 miles. My dad is hiking the first 104 with me. This means I have 382 miles to be alone. I’m taking my phone full of podcasts and books on tape and music. I’ll have my kindle full of books. There will be loads of other hikers on the trail and people find trail families and friends all the time. None of that is why I am going.

I have never be alone as an adult. I have been married since before I could legally drink! I feel like I need to learn how to sit better with myself, and only myself. I am hoping this hike will help me achieve that, at least to some degree. I want to listen to my inner voice and figure out what I need and what I want – just me, without taking anyone else into consideration! I want to learn how to be alone and make alone a positive instead of a negative word in my mind. I want to reconnect with my body. I want to reconnect with the old me, the new me, the real me. I know being alone is the best way to do that!

Solo-Hiking: the oldest new way to figure your shit out.